Another year married, another year of empty arms- A letter to my husband.

My dearest handsome love,

I can remember as if it was yesterday the day we got married, how exhilarated and filled with hope we were for our future. We made plans to travel, continue our education, add a pet to our little family and of course children. We actually discussed having children prior to getting married and we knew we wanted four. We knew life was going to be difficult as a married couple, and indeed it was; however, we knew with God as the foundation of our lives we could overcome any obstacle thrown our way. We started trying soon after we got married and if only we knew then what we know now. Of course we thought we would get pregnant quickly, but as months and then years went by, we knew something just wasn’t right. There were times I would blame myself thinking possibly it was my fault we weren’t’ achieving pregnancy, and undoubtedly you encompassed the same thoughts. There were days we would get incredibly frustrated regarding the deep dark pit of infertility, and arguments would ensue. Somehow some way, we would always get through it though. Month after month, year after year, failed fertility treatment after treatment, you watched me sink into despair as once again, my body wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. Time after time you looked me in eyes, wiped my tears away, and pulled me close into your loving embrace. There were other days you wouldn’t know what to say to ease my fears and sorrows and in those moments you hurt the worst, because there was nothing you can do, which always breaks your heart. The day I showed you our very first positive pregnancy test and the onesie I surprised you with to let you know you were finally going to be a father, it was as you stated, “One of the best days of my life.” Your heart was immensely crushed after we found out we were going to lose our baby. My heart broke along with yours, because I know you will be the most amazing father to our children, and we were so close to that coming to fruition, yet so far away. You have always remained incredibly hopeful and your foundation in God never shook even after our loss. How amazing you are! With your unwavering faith, you have pushed me to keep my trust in God and to believe that best is truly yet to come.  I want you to know that in the midst of our struggle, I am so incredibly grateful to have you alongside me, as my rock.  If it weren’t for you, I truly have no idea how I would have been able to be so strong. I appreciate you beyond words and it’s an amazing feeling knowing I get to go through this adventure of a life, as you as my forever. Although, we have gone another year with empty arms, my sweet love, my heart is oh so full because of you.

Happy six years of wedded bliss, and here’s to a lifetime more!

Xoxo,

Sajae’

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