I’ve been missing in action for quite a while, but undoubtedly for an amazing reason of course! Diving head first into mommy-hood, with  all the joys and not so pretty moments, is what has me occupied these days. In an attempt to start one of my many goals I have set for the new year, I will be revamping my blog.  What better way to get back to writing, than to write about the most amazing day of our lives?!

With pregnancy there are beautiful moments, but lets be honest, most of it is undoubtedly not so pretty.  One of those not so pretty moments for me, was leaking.  Yep, I leaked/urinated a bit when I sneezed, laughed, bent over, and even while just sitting down stuffing my face with one or two of my many pregnancy cravings. Nearing the end, I was so use to this leaking feeling, I simply ignored it.  Until of course, I was getting antsy to meet this longed for bundle of joy, and was reading way too much into every single, little sign of him coming.  Come on now, I can’t be the only one who googled signs of labor, several times a day…no?! Well, a week or two leading up to little man’s arrival I became more aware of this leakage of mine, so when Monday, October 23, 2017 rolled around,  and I was experiencing some leaking that was out of the norm, of course we were getting excited! By this time, we had our bags packed since week 35, our house was cleaned spotless and little man’s room was set up to perfection.  The day before, I finalized and printed our birth plan and music playlists for labor.  However, it wasn’t until that Monday I finally sat down to write out my birthing affirmation cards. For some reason, I felt compelled to do them right then and there, as if I was running out of time. As I was writing my birthing affirmations, I began leaking a bit, but decided it wasn’t too much to warrant a visit to labor and delivery.  About an hour or two later, Taylor and I went to the gym to work out, well for me, it was to help bring on labor.  For weeks, I walked an hour a day and this day I had plans to do the same. When we got to the gym, Taylor had to use the restroom, so I waited for him. As I was scrolling through my music in an attempt to find something that will pump me up for my workout, I felt a huge gush of warm liquid. I immediately got excited, but that excitement was met with reservations, as I always thought when one’s water broke, it was suppose to be massive- there would be a large explosion on the ground-at least that’s what’s depicted in the movies right? Taylor then came out of the restroom, and I exclaimed with the biggest smile on my face, “I think my water broke, I felt a huge warm gush.  There’s nothing on the ground though, I thought it would be more dramatic than this.  It may not be my water.” Taylor was so excited, but then agreed with me, as he was just as clueless as I was of course.  I chose to work out and see if I would have contractions, or if there would be a continuous leak. I worked out for about 45 minutes and my contractions were very much there. I decided to give labor and delivery a call and the nurse stated that it sounded like it was indeed my water that broke, to come to labor and delivery with our bags, as we will more than likely have our baby!  By this time, Taylor came into the car as I was hanging up and we rushed to the house. When we got to the house, I literally was pacing the floors, walking in circles.  I was flooded with so many emotions, mainly excited and admittedly there was fear lingering. Here’s the moment we’ve been patiently (who am I kidding?!) impatiently waiting for and the moment was arriving. For a good bit of my pregnancy I had anxiety regarding labor and delivery, coupled with fear of having a C-section, and unforeseen things going wrong. I decided I needed to pull it together and pray.  I prayed for peace, for calmness, for the safe arrival of our baby and health of myself. I also prayed that Taylor wouldn’t pass out during labor and delivery- something we joked about for years, but it was one of those jokes that had a great deal of seriousness to it.

When we arrived at Labor and Delivery at 5pm, (my water broke around 3pm) we were given a room immediately. After I changed into the horrid blue gown and laid in the hospital bed hooked up to the monitors, I looked to my right, where in the corner was the baby area. I attempted to not get my hopes up, as Taylor and I stared in that area.  Were we really going to meet our sweet boy in a few hours? The nurse came in and out of our room frequently to check if I had more leakage. Of course, I was dry as the sahara desert at this point, and was sure they would just send us home. However, I still had a feeling it was truly my water that broke and I wasn’t going to leave without them testing the fluid, and or giving me an ultrasound to check the fluid levels. Baby boy’s heart rate looked amazing, and I was consistently having contractions.  The annoying part though,  was I failed to make progress regarding dilation. After two hours of the nurse coming in and out of our room to check for leakage, the dr told her to send us home. However, because we live a bit away from the hospital, the nurse wanted to FINALLY perform the swab test, to check to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. After 30 minutes, the nurse returned and stated the test needed to be redone since the fluid they dip the qtip in spilled…oh joy! At this point, that nurse was nearing the end of her shift and she introduced the nurse that was replacing her. I of course was a bit nervous, since the nurse we had, encompassed amazing bedside manner, I wasn’t sure if we’d get blessed with another nurse that would be just as good. The new nurse redid the swab test and returned with the doctor. The doctor informed us that the test came back positive for amniotic fluid, so it was indeed my water that broke. She then proceeded to say we were being admitted and I should walk the halls and bounce on my yoga ball to help progress. However, if I didn’t progress, then they would start me on pitocin at 3am.

By 9pm we were out walking the halls, which we did for about 2 hours off and on.  My contractions by this time were undoubtedly intensifying.  I repeated some of my positive affirmations I wrote down “my body was made to do this” “I will ride the waves of each contraction”, etc. and utilized my breathing techniques Just as I began to think, “this pain is excruciating, but I can do this!”, we passed a room where a woman was laboring, but she sounded as if she was being attacked! My thoughts then switched to “Can I do this?, that woman sounds so awful!”.  Ok, awful isn’t even the correct word to depict what she actually sounded like, but I’ll put it this way, it completely frightened me. I tried to put that horrendous sound in waaaay in the back of my head and continue to focus. Once we got back to our room, I  bounced on the yoga ball for about 30 minutes and was then too exhausted to do anything else. Taylor and I decided to get some rest.  Actually, it was hard for me to get to sleep, but Taylor had no issues falling into sweet dream land. 3am came rather slowly, probably because I wracking my brain regarding whether or not I was dilated any, and if I was going to be receiving pitocin. I’ve seen some women post about pitocin in my facebook pregnancy groups and how it wasn’t good to have it administered; however, I didn’t do my own research regarding it and I should have, but honestly,  I just saw my labor going completely different (no pain meds, laboring the way I wanted, etc.), I didn’t even think to really research it.  My nurse, who was truly amazing by the way, came into the room and checked me. I was only at 1cm. A little while later she started pitocin and from there, it’s quite a blur due to the fact the contractions were horrific times 10. Once I got to 5cm and the pain felt unbearable, I asked for the epidural and once I did, I felt so much better.  Around 2pm I was at 8cm and fully effaced. At this point, Taylor and I were beyond ecstatic and just knew it would be only a short while, and we would be pushing. Boy, were we wrong. My bestfriend arrived at the hospital around 4pm and by 530pm I was checked again. I was still at 8cm.  My doctor then stated that it would be best for us to do a c-section. I was incredibly disappointed and fearful. Tears just started running down my face, with an array of negative thoughts accompanying them. I already had three emergency intestinal surgeries, I was afraid of having another major surgery. Besides, this wasn’t in my birth plan! After my husband, bestfriend and doctor comforted me, I felt a bit at ease and was focused again at the bigger picture. At this point, everything happened so quickly, before I knew it we were being wheeled out of the room and into the operating room.  While laying there, I made sure to look around, to capture and make a mental note of the smell and feel of the room, the sound of the doctors’ voices, and more importantly,  Gideon’s last kicks in my womb. Before we knew it, my OB was telling Taylor to get his camera ready because Gideon was about to be pulled out. Taylor was so excited and nervous he was fumbling around. Our Dr said “He’s out! He’s here!” I kept saying, “He’s here?! Our baby?!” I couldn’t quite comprehend it. Everything that we’ve been through the past 6 years, the tears, the pain, the injections, the failed treatments, the loss, our last transfer, the pregnancy, all of the ultrasounds, his kicks, it all led up to this very moment where I was about to lay eyes on our most precious blessing! When Gideon was placed on my chest, I felt my heart begin to heal, and beat like it never did before. In that moment, the dissapointment of my labor and delivery not going according to my plan went out the window. We wouldn’t have ever imagined, years ago when we first started trying that we would have to go through all we did to receive our precious Gideon, but it was the perfect way, as it led us to him.

Sweet friends, it’s ok of course to have a plan. Please remember that not everything will go according to that plan. You may feel defeated and disappointed when things don’t turn out how you imagined; however, continue to allow God in the center of your life and in every area of it, so when things stray off of the course you had in mind, know that you are in the palm of God’s hands and there’s no better place to be.  In the end, God always knows what’s best, and it’ll turn out better than you’ve ever imagined.

Jeremiah 29:11-

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

xoxo- Sajae’