This infertility journey really knows how to instill some intense fear and all consuming worry in us, right? If I may be honest- which this is the whole purpose of opening my life, heart, soul and mind to you you all during all parts of this journey- I was stricken with fear once again the days leading up to our first ultrasound. I wish so badly I can sit here and say with incredible boldness that I placed all my worry, fears and doubt to God and left it there with him, but I would be a bold faced liar. As if it was hard enough waiting the eight days (yes, we were fortunate enough, our fertility specialist did our blood test at eight days past our five day frozen embryo transfer, instead of the fourteen other specialists do their beta testing), we had to three weeks to find out if our pregnancy was progressing or not. I attempted to occupy my time with graduate school and my practicum, and I also engaged in daily envisioning of those sweet embryos growing healthy as they should be, in my womb. Then of course those icky feelings would come slithering through my heart and mind, with an attempt to stop me from visualizing what was and should be taking place finally. It was truly a battle, a difficult one at that, to stand strong and combat those terrifying thoughts in which were attempting to steal my joy. After all, our blood tests were amazing and of course I was still admittedly serial testing literally twice a day, and the proof was as they say in the pudding, but for the sake of this blog, I’ll say the proof was in my womb! Likewise, I was certainly feeling the symptoms of pregnancy-all day nausea, topped with extreme exhaustion. So, why weren’t these reassurances for me? Why couldn’t I fully trust that this was our time? To answer those questions now as my present self, to my past self who was riddled with such anxiety, I would say this: sweet friend, y’all have gone through the fire, acknowledge it! Ya’ll have gone through deep pain, acknowledge it. Y’all have gotten up every time and tried again, time after time, after time. It’s ok to be afraid, it’s ok to wonder all the what if’s. Be gentle with yourself and know that you’re doing the best you can. You can let yourself be happy, you can allow yourself space to envision a baby growing in your womb and you holding that sweet baby you’ve prayed for for so long. When you feel yourself slipping back into despair, acknowledge what you’ve been through and the joy that is in the present. The wondrous possibility growing inside of you and all that comes with it, envision it, and believe it. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself.
Fear from the past is what I was allowing to rob me of being present and in the moment and although it was difficult, moment by moment I attempted to be intentional with thanking God for the precious gift that was growing inside me, and although I was unsure of what was to come of our ultrasound on March 20 2017, I reminded myself that no matter what, as always, we would be ok.
The morning of March 20, 2017 I was filled with excitement in the fact today was the day we would find out if both embryos stuck, or one, I didn’t allow myself to think negative this day. I was incredibly nervous though of course and occupied myself with the hour drive by dancing and singling loudly in my car, as per usual to some of my favorite music. Two songs in particular though that I kept going back to were ‘Ever Be’- By Anthoony Evans and ‘Good Good Father’, by Chris Tomlin. One of the lines in the first song aforementioned, is “Your praise will, ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips, your praise will ever be on my lips. You will be praised, you will praised, Angels and saints we sing worthy are you Lord.” That song was my go to song off and on throughout the weeks leading up to our first ultrasound, but it was in the moments while driving, the lyrics really tugged at my heart. I realized, throughout this whole process of waiting and more waiting, I was engulfed in my feelings and how this whole journey at times honestly just sucked and the whole woe is me party I constantly gave myself. When we praise God, acknowledge and truly honor him in everything we do, He gets the glory and honor. It was reiterated to me in the car while signing that song repeatedly that, even in the midst of our storms, he gets the honor, it’s all about him and not about us. The transfers, the beta tests, the ultrasound I was driving to, the results of it and beyond is all for his glory. I forgot somewhere along the way that everything we do should be to give God the honor and that just gave me complete peace knowing that every part of the process, even the pain there’s this bigger picture, and for my husband and I, it is to tell of our story and let others know they are not alone. To be bold in the midst of feeling broken, this is where healing is.
When I got to the specialist’s office (after having to make a quick stop do to my nerves and tmi-when I get nervous, well let’s just say I need to find a bathroom quick, fast and in a hurry), there was three other women in there who looked just as nervous as I did. None of us said a word, but we all gave a quick smile to each other, in which stated “you’re not alone, I’m just afraid as you are and I wish you the best.” One lady was called back and after a few minutes the staff in the front of the office got a notification that there is a pregnancy. A few seconds later, all the staff lined up and one by one, the gleaming woman gave each staff a hug. I always loved that about our clinic! I couldn’t help but to smile ear to ear, while undoubtedly nervous at the same time. I read my favorite scripture that helped me prior to my beta blood tests and before I knew it my name was being called. Ahhhh, this is it, this is the moment we’ve waited for!! I wished more than anything my husband was here by my side to experience this moment with me. We were abel to Skype though! I walked into the room and waited for my specialist and nurse to come in, which seemed like an hour, but was only five minutes. They came in, Taylor was already on Skype with me and laid back onto the table I was well too familiar with, and said a quick prayer as the probe (I dislike transvaginal ultrasounds to the fullest!) and immediately we saw a sac and a BABY!! We heard baby’s heartbeat which was at 167 bpm and I was able to watch Taylor’s face as it was filled with, well, the look he had was simply indescribable. We were a bit down that the other embryo didn’t stick, but we were just overjoyed that we made it to the other side!! Our little warrior!!
Remember sweet friends, be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge the battle you’ve been in and or still in and find a way to not allow fear to continuously rob you of being in the moment. We are only given moments. I hope and pray you choose to stay in the fight and know that you are doing the best you can.
Stay tuned for another update on our little warrior, and as always, thank you for capturing the journey with us.